I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
