she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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