He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
