Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
