i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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