Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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