Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
