Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
