If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
