I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
