i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
