I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
