i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
