Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize