Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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