Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
