Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
