Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
