i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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