at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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