i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
