I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I need water and some morals
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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