she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
