he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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