i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
