We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
