My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
