So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
