nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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