My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
