We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
