I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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