uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
