And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
