I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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