I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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