guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
