Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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