That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
