burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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