Can Purell be used as lube?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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