im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
