Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
