I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
