Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
