Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
