omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
