I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
