the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize