Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
