omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize