so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
