Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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