When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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