she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Two words: nipple clamps
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