This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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