My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
