I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
BRING THE BAGELS
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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