I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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