This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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